Common challenges with grief

How we say something matters, and sometimes the words commonly used to talk about grief put unhelpful pressure on people who are grieving, making them feel alone and misunderstood.

Below we suggest some words and phrases to avoid, but please note that some of these may be the grieving person’s preferred way to talk about their grief. In all cases, it’s important to respect their language and their way of thinking about and describing their experience. However, if you sense that their way of thinking is harmful, consider asking for permission to gently suggest alternative ways of thinking about grief. 

Some situations can trigger strong feelings. Triggers might include sights, sounds, smells, objects, events, places, or people. You may not always know what sets off your grief. Here are some examples:

• Special occasions (birthdays, weddings, graduations)
• Anniversary of date the loss happened or when the person died
• Places and activities that remind you of the person
• Special objects, scents, and songs
• Coincidences and dreams
• Family dinners or usual activities with friends

It is important to find a balance between setting aside and making time for your grief. If something triggers a lot of distress, it might be time to take a break. However, if you avoid it for too long, it may build up and cause you to feel pressure and stress. Most people need to balance their time between confronting the loss and taking a break from grieving.

Life after loss often involves sorting through personal belongings and deciding what to do with them. If you can, do this task on your own timeline. It may help to ask a friend or family member to help you. 

It can be hard to part with some objects. So that you don’t get stuck, try creating three separate categories and sorting items into these different areas: 

1. Keep 
2. Donate to charity or give to someone, and 
3. Decide later. 

You may feel especially attached to certain items, for example:

• Clothing or bedding that holds the scent of the person who has died
• Photo albums and memorabilia
• Household items with a strong connection to the person, such as tools, craft supplies, art, or furniture

Grieving when others are celebrating can be especially difficult—for example, during the holidays or other times of joyful celebration. These times are often infused with shared traditions, social gatherings, and rich memories that can intensify your grief. Whether your loss is recent or happened several years ago, grief can surge when it feels like someone is missing from a special occasion. You may feel that others expect everyone to be “happy” or grateful during these times, and this may cause you distress or worry about bringing down the mood. Openness, flexibility, and communication make it easier to navigate these times.

Whether or not you want to join in celebrations may change from day to day, so keep invitations and plans open and flexible. Consider ways to acknowledge your grief and honour your loss as a part of these celebrations. You might share stories, light a candle, or create a special place to share memories. It's okay to join an occasion even if your heart isn't in it. Once you're there, you may be surprised to find that you're enjoying yourself. Or you may attend, realize that it's not the right time for you, and choose to leave early. It may help to tell your host in advance that you may show up or cancel at the last minute, or you may leave early. Wherever you go, you may find that your grief goes with you. Plan to take breaks away from others to give yourself some moments alone for reflection or call on others who can provide comfort if your grief surfaces

People often want to know how to “get over” a loss, and we empathize with the desire to “feel better” or “get back to normal.” However, often the loss isn’t something that can be “gotten over.” Sometimes this idea doesn’t even resonate with the grieving person, but they believe that it’s what they are “supposed to” do. 

When something or someone we’ve loved or that was central in our life is gone, we often still want and feel that connection. The legacy of that thing or person may be part of our memories, habits, interests, or plans for the future. For many people, grief is a lifelong experience, though it changes and softens, and also ebbs and flows. It may move to the background of our awareness, or it may be ever-present, surfacing at certain times of the year or when reminders are present.

It’s also important to know that some people do describe themselves as “over” their loss(es). They may still remember the lost thing or person, but without the same pangs of sadness or longing.

Human beings naturally want to make sense of their experiences. Some people find it meaningful to reflect on the one they've lost and identify how the person will continue to shape and inform their lives. To this end, some grieving people develop ways to think about the loss and/or death that feel meaningful. For others, the idea of making or finding meaning in the loss may not be helpful and could add unwanted pressure. It is important to remember that there is no one right way to grieve, and, whether you do or don't find meaning in your loss, that is okay. 

Some people compare the loss of someone or something important to an injury to our mind, soul, spirit, or self. If we think of loss this way, grief is part of a natural and intentional healing process. The same way a physical wound needs energy, care, and attention to heal, so does the wound from a loss. Here are some ways this kind of healing may be facilitated, either in a community or alone:

• Ritual and tradition
• Legacy projects 
• Memorial activities
• Self-reflection and personal growth

Some people may also have space for love and joy, even when they are full of grief. Although these feelings may be overshadowed by the pain of loss, they know or trust that the positive feelings still exist. When they catch themselves feeling good, they embrace it without judgment or self-recrimination. They know that joy and hope are a natural part of their human experience, as much as sadness. 

Others may feel bad or guilty for feeling good. Some may even believe that it would be wrong or impossible to feel hope, joy, or happiness again. For them, a spontaneous smile or genuine laugh may feel disrespectful or incongruous. As we adjust to loss and it begins to feel lighter, we may worry that we are letting go of the loss, and this may feel unacceptable. 

However, sometimes it can help to loosen our grip on the pain of loss and grief, and to allow ourselves to experience joy and peace alongside the difficult emotions that often accompany grief. One does not erase the other. The two can exist together.