What grief looks and feels like

• Sadness
• Anger 
• Guilt
• Relief
• Anxiety and fear
• Confusion 
• Despair 
• Loneliness
• Hopelessness 

Sadness

Sadness is the most easily recognized aspect of grief. Often feelings of sadness become strong some time after the loss, when the initial shock wears off, and when you may realize how different your life is without the person or thing you have lost. 

• You might feel hopeless when you think about the future without them
• You might feel despair about missed opportunities — like missing the chance to make peace, or to start a family with someone before their death.

The intensity and frequency of sadness will ebb and flow, and for most people eventually lessens with time. 

If you have thoughts of ending your life, or harming yourself or others, talk to your health care provider or a mental health professional, or call a 24-hour crisis hotline. If you have made a plan to end your life, this is a medical emergency. Go to your nearest Emergency Department or call your local mobile crisis unit.  

Anger

Anger is a common response to loss and  refers to a range of feelings. You might feel anything from mild annoyance to bitterness and rage. Here are some ways you might express anger:

• "Life has never gone my way."

• "I can’t forgive the doctors for letting him die."

• "She never apologized for all the terrible things she said."
• “I can’t believe he abandoned me.”

Anger has the potential to cause harm if it isn’t recognized and supported.

• Anger often becomes less intense when it is acknowledged and understood. 
• If your anger is lasting a long time or it feels out of control, talk to your family doctor or a mental health professional.

Guilt

People often feel guilty about things that were out of their control. Feelings of guilt, and related regret and remorse, are common and expected responses to loss. These feelings, and the thoughts that accompany them, can be very painful and difficult to resolve.

Here are some things to consider:

• The expectations you have of yourself may be unfair or unrealistic.
• You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. You couldn’t know what you didn’t know.
• Ask yourself “Is it okay to be okay?” Self-forgiveness and self-compassion aren’t easy, but they are important elements of well-being.

Anxiety and Fear

Anxiety and fear can show up in different ways. It can include the following:

• Feelings of unease, distress or edginess

• Worry and concern

• Panic and terror
• Undermined confidence

Some people experience extreme fear:

• Fear that they cannot cope with life alone and that their grief will destroy them.
• Fear of further losses such as being abandoned or of other people dying.
• Fear they themselves may die.

Here are some things to consider:

• Recognize it’s common to feel anxious and fearful when your world has been turned upside down
• It is not uncommon for fear to come and go as you grieve. Anxiety can lessen when you share how you are feeling with someone you trust
• Become informed about ways to manage anxiety with mindfulness meditation, and/or breathing and relaxation exercises, or yoga.
• Eat healthy food and exercise - even a short daily walk can help
• If fear or anxiety prevent you from managing your daily life, talk to your healthcare provider or a mental health professional.

Loneliness

When someone close to you dies, you may feel:

• abandoned
• isolated
• alone

The closer your relationship was, the lonelier you may feel. You might want to withdraw from others while you are grieving, but this will often deepen loneliness.

Here are some things to consider:

• Reengaging with life and people can be challenging. While this is difficult, contact and connection with other people can help process loss.
• In time you may start to feel more confident, reaching out and renewing old friendships, perhaps even meeting new people.

Thoughts

Grief can affect both what we think about and how well we think. Confusion, distractibility, and forgetfulness are all common. Many people who are grieving feel like their brains are  “in a fog”. Others find themselves with repetitive thoughts that seem impossible to dismiss.

Behaviour

Maintaining typical routines and habits or starting new ones can be difficult. For example, an organized person may become messy, a social person may isolate, a person’s alcohol consumption may increase or decrease, or someone who loves to cook may start only eating takeout.

Beliefs

Loss may challenge or change your faith and other beliefs about life, people, and the world. For example, a person without a religious or spiritual practice may begin to explore faith, or someone’s long-held beliefs may feel profoundly challenged.

Relationships

As you process the loss and its impact on your life, you will naturally think about the relationships that remain. As your needs and priorities may shift, your other relationships may also change. This can be helpful but it can also be confusing and sometimes distressing. 

Bodies, or physical self

Grieving takes energy, and as a result you may notice that you are especially tired. Your immune system may be low, and you may find yourself more likely to get sick. You may also experience breathlessness, nausea, or physical pain as part of your grief. These are all common experiences when grieving.

Seeing, hearing, or sensing the one who has died

Research has shown that some grieving people sense the presence of the person or pet who died, after they are gone. They may experience seeing, hearing, or otherwise sensing the one they are grieving, either in dreams or while awake. For most people, these experiences are comforting and reassuring.

A note about grief and depression

In the midst of loss and grief, it can be  difficult to distinguish between grief and clinical depression. Sometimes a person may be experiencing both. Because untreated depression can make grief more challenging, it is important that you talk with a health professional if you think you may be depressed. If you ever think about ending your life, or harming yourself, talk to your family doctor or a mental health professional, or call a 24-hour crisis hotline.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it.

After the death of someone close, you might experience emotions, thoughts and behaviours you never had before. You might experience some more intensely than others. Remember these experiences often show us what we need. If the intensity of your thoughts, feelings, or behaviours become overwhelming and you feel unable to cope, reach out to a healthcare professional or grief counsellor.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 5 - Making sense of intense emotions