Grief and death due to suicide

“I have so many questions since he died, and the thing is, he is the only one who could answer them.”

Your grief following a suicide may feel different than what you have experienced with other losses. It may be more complex and last longer. Here are some common thoughts and feelings:

• Shock or numbness
• Guilt or regret
• Anger or rage
• Anxiety or fear
• Rejection or abandonment
• Shame or blame 
• Relief
• Emotional storms

If the person who died was a family member

During a time of loss and grief your family may be a source of both strength and struggle. It may be challenging to attend to your own personal needs while also supporting others in your family. This is especially hard when there are different coping styles, ages, and personalities involved.

If the person who died was a friend

Your grief will be a unique reflection of your friendship. Whether your relationship was long-term, new, steady, or rocky, your grief will reflect what the bond meant to you. Depending on how others saw your friendship, you may find that your grief is not recognized or supported by those around you. 

The stigma of suicide grief

You may find yourself wrestling with your own or others’ beliefs and opinions about suicide and about the person who died. Stereotypes and some cultural or religious beliefs may add stigma to this loss, and you may feel isolated. You might find it harder to speak about your loss because you are unsure how your story or the story of the person who died will be perceived by others. At the same time, you may find understanding and support from others and within yourself. 

Challenges

Unanswered questions often arise when someone dies from suicide, especially “why”:

• Why did this happen?
• Why didn’t they tell me things were bad?
• Why did I not see this coming?
• Why didn’t someone help them?
• Why now?

It may be difficult to talk to others about your grief over the person’s suicide, especially if the circumstances are complicated or perhaps unknown. It may take time and effort to figure out whom to share your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with, as well as when and how.

• Try to seek support from friends and family you know are good listeners and free from judgement. 
• To help reduce a sense of isolation and stigma, consider joining a bereavement support group for people who are grieving a suicide death.

It can be hard to know what to say or do to support someone grieving a loss from suicide. They may be hesitant to talk to you for fear of judgement, and you may worry that you will say or do something that will make it worse. 

Try to be a compassionate, non-judgmental listener. You might want to say something like “I care about you, and I want to be here for you.”  Let them know that you are there for them whether they want to talk or not. 

They may feel too overwhelmed to ask for help and too confused to know what they might need. It can be helpful to offer to do something specific, like cook a meal, do yardwork, offer childcare, or grocery shop. 

Often people find they have a lot of support initially, but it drops off as the weeks and months go by, though their grief does not. Stick with them to provide support over time if you can. You might encourage them to seek support from a grief counsellor or join a support group specifically for people who have lost someone by suicide.

See also:

• Supporting someone who is grieving 

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where do I find it?

Your grief after a suicide loss is likely to be different from any other you may have experienced. The need to find answers, understand what happened, and find meaning are often the most difficult aspects of grieving a suicide. In time, you may find answers to some of your questions, you may learn to accept that there are things you may never know, and you may also formulate answers that make sense to you.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 23 - When someone has died by suicide