Grief and Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD)

“At first, I didn’t understand her decision to choose MAiD, but what I’ve since realized is that I hadn’t accepted that she was dying.”

You may have found the days leading up to the medically assisted death especially precious and surreal. Here are some ways you may have been feeling:

• Some relief in knowing that the person’s suffering would soon come to an end
• Fixated on the calendar and counting down the days and hours
• Unsure how to talk to other family and friends about what is happening
• Uneasy answering questions such as “what are you doing on (the date)?”
• Pressured to make the most of every conversation and activity, knowing it would be one of the last 

Mixed or uncomfortable feelings & opinions

You may have conflicting or uncomfortable feelings about the death.You may feel grateful that they had a peaceful death but angry about their illness. You may feel relieved that the person’s suffering is over but also feel guilty for being relieved. Perhaps you were supportive of the person’s decision, but you also wish that you’d had more time together. You may feel abandoned or even angry that they chose MAiD. Or you could be opposed to MAiD for moral, spiritual, or personal reasons and struggling with it. Even if you were supportive of the person’s right to choose, you may feel uneasy about it within yourself.

Privacy and stigma

Sometimes the person having a medically assisted death, or their family, chooses to keep their choice private. This may make it harder for you to express your grief openly and receive support. 

If you weren’t told that the person had chosen MAiD, or if you found out later, you may feel hurt or cheated of the opportunity to say goodbye. 

If you didn’t agree with the person’s decision to have a medically assisted death (for personal or other reasons), you may not have had the chance to express your views or feel they weren’t considered

If your beliefs about MAiD differ from the beliefs of others in your family or social circle, you may feel even more isolated in your grief. 

Lingering questions

You may have questions, for example:

• Was I too agreeable, when they talked to me about MAiD?
• What did they feel at the end? 
• Were they really sick enough to warrant this decision?
•  Did they choose MAiD because they thought they were a burden?

You might also feel at peace with their decision.

Losing someone through an assisted death is a relatively new kind of loss experience. Depending on the resources and support available, you may have felt well-prepared and cared for, or isolated and overwhelmed. As you grieve, friends and family may come forward to be with you, and you may find it comforting to talk with them. 

As you process this loss, here are some things that may be helpful:

• Ask your friends and family about their beliefs in relation to assisted death and about their experiences with death and grief
• Choose to be with people who can listen supportively, without judgment or pressure
• Find and join a support group for people who have also experienced loss following an assisted death
• Search the internet for information, forums, or chats specifically about grief after an assisted death

Most people grieving a death after medical assistance find it helpful to talk with a compassionate listener about the process leading up to the death and the death itself. Being supportive means being there in the long run and responding to what the person who is grieving says they need.

If you do not agree with medical assistance in dying, you may not be able to provide the kind of support your friend or family member may need. You can be supportive by being non-judgmental, letting them know you care about them, providing practical support, and helping them connect with other supports.

See also:

• Supporting someone who is grieving

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

A medically assisted death is a unique experience, and the grief following it can be as well. Knowing when and how someone will die doesn’t mean the grief will be any less impactful. As with most grief, it is natural to experience many different, even conflicting, thoughts and feelings. If you can’t share your grief openly with friends or family, it may help to seek support from an experienced grief counsellor, a MAiD-specific support group, a healthcare provider, or a faith leader. 

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 26 - Grief and Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD)