Grief and reproductive loss

“I assumed that everything was okay…and then all of a sudden everything wasn’t fine, and it was like being hit by a semi-truck that came out of nowhere.”

When you began to plan for growing your family, you likely started to love the idea of your future child. You may have started hoping and dreaming about what life ahead might look like. 

As a result, you may find yourself grieving any of the following: 

• The relationship you started with your child
• Hopes and dreams for the future
• Your identity as a parent
• An experience you always imagined for yourself
• The time and energy you put into trying to conceive, remain pregnant, or bring a child into your family
• Previous reproductive losses
• Loss of financial resources spent on fertility treatments, surrogacy, or adoption
• Your sense of self-worth
• The impact this reproductive loss has had on others in your life and on your relationships with them

You may experience a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and physical reactions to your loss. Remember: your grief is valid. There is no one way to grieve. 

Your grief responses may include the following:

• Not recognizing that you are grieving
• Wondering “Why me?” or “Why us?” or “What did I do to deserve this?”
• Feelings of failure, helplessness, shame, lack of worth, and low self-esteem
• Relationship difficulties with your partner or potential co-parent(s)
• Trying to hold on to hope while grieving the loss
• Not knowing when or if you will be able to grow your family, which can make your grief feel unclear or ambiguous 
• Anxiety, depression, trauma, or thoughts of harming yourself
• Feeling stuck in your grief, experiencing prolonged grief or chronic sorrow, not knowing how to adjust to what this loss means

When you have to end a pregnancy or means of reproduction

When you have chosen to end a pregnancy or stop a plan to grow your family, you may question your right to grieve. You did not make your decision lightly, and there are likely many reasons you have made this choice. Not only are you entitled to grieve, but since others may not recognize it, it is important that you acknowledge and honour your grief. 

How other people might affect you

Whether you feel supported by others may impact your grief. 

• Lack of support may lead you to isolate and not want to talk with anyone about it.
• You may feel misunderstood or annoyed by unhelpful comments or advice.
• You may feel cared for and supported even though those around you may not understand your grief.

When your grief is not recognized by others

Your grief may not be acknowledged by the people in your life or by society at large. This can cause you to believe that your grief is not significant or valid. You may experience stigma or judgment from others, or even from yourself, leading to feelings of shame or lack of self-worth. The situation may have led you to be private and perhaps secretive about it. Your grief may feel heavier and more confusing if you do not feel it is recognized and acknowledged by others. People in your life may not understand the impacts this loss is having on your life. This is sometimes called disenfranchised or unrecognized grief.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 27 - Unrecognized grief

Messages from society

Society can reinforce messages that promote the idea that your worthiness is based on your ability to have children. Your grief may be deeply affected by these ideas. It may help to separate society’s expectations from the truth: your value is not related to your ability to have biological children or whether you are a parent or could start a family. 

Inequities in healthcare

Your reproductive grief may be compounded by your experiences of systemic racism or other sources of discrimination within the healthcare system as you navigated your reproductive options. Allow yourself to acknowledge the weight of any distressing or difficult experiences, and the ways these have affected how and what you grieve.

• Allow yourself to grieve.
• Seek support from people who understand or are trained in reproductive and adoption losses, such as support groups, counsellors, social workers, or people in your life with similar experiences or whom you know to be supportive. 
• Consider creating a ritual or ceremony to acknowledge the loss of the anticipated child. 
• If it feels right for you, honour and continue your relationship with the anticipated child, similar to the ways we can remain connected to others we have lost.
• You may find it helpful to create or seek out a memorial site you can visit. 
• If it feels right for you, in the absence of your anticipated child, you might offer the nurturing energy you would have offered a child to other people or other causes.
• Spend time tending your other close relationships and friendships.
• For some, finding meaning in the loss may bring personal understanding. For others, there may be no sense of meaning to be found, and that is equally valid.
• If you notice negative messages from society about how you should view yourself or your worth, choose other more accurate and helpful ways to view yourself. 

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 17 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss: Understanding your grief
• MyGrief.ca Module 18 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss: Navigating your grief

Acknowledge their loss, and invite them to tell you about it. Let them know you are there to listen to their struggles, pain, and dreams about their anticipated child.

Understand that many grieve this loss just as they would the death of a child. Do what you would have done if they were grieving the death of a child.

Be mindful not to put a silver lining around their experience. 

Meet them in their pain without trying to fix or solve their grief. 

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 19 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss - Supporting the family
• Supporting someone who is grieving

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

You may have had dreams of becoming a parent, and you are now facing the possibility that this may not happen for you. You may have had a pregnancy with a difficult outcome or had to make very hard reproductive health decisions for your own safety and well-being. Allow yourself to grieve the immensity of this loss in whatever way feels best for you. Connecting with a grief counsellor or others who have experienced similar losses may be helpful. Be gentle with yourself, and allow time to adapt to the future you didn’t see coming. Seek professional help if your grief feels overwhelming or is interfering with your ability to live your life. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada.