Grieving a divorce, separation, or romantic partnership

“I never thought it would end like this”

“I don’t know how to just be me anymore after being part of a couple for so long.”

The experience at the end of a primary relationship can be very hard, and it usually comes with many other losses, for example: 

Loss of identity (yours or theirs)

When our lives are so closely connected to another person, we often form a second or new identity as part of a couple. When that relationship ends, the shift from “we” to “I” can be confusing and difficult. It may help to remember that, just as it took time for you to form or deepen your connection with that person, it will take time to adjust to life without them. 

You may find labels such as “separated,” “divorced,” or “single” particularly upsetting when filling in forms or when someone asks about your relationship status.  

You may grieve the person that you used to be when your relationship was healthy. You may also grieve the loss of the person you fell in love with, who may now be greatly changed. Realizing that one or both of you is no longer the same person can be painful and disorienting.

Loss of dreams or expectations for the future

When your relationship was in a better place, you likely had hopes and dreams for what your life together would look like. Being confronted with a reality that doesn’t align with what you had hoped to build can be devastating, as can coming to the realization that those dreams will not come true for the two of you.

Loss of connection and intimacy

When your relationship was healthy, you likely felt loved, seen, heard, and supported. When a relationship ends or is deteriorating, you may feel a sense of loss related to this connection and intimacy. Connection and intimacy within couples may be expressed verbally, physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. These expressions can include the following:

• Sex, but also non-sexual contact like holding hands or cuddling on the couch;
• Heartfelt conversations; feeling seen or accepted; shared experiences, memories, references and responses to things; and
• Really knowing someone and feeling known by them.
• You may or may not have some of your needs for connection and intimacy met through other relationships in your life.    

Loss of other relationships

• You may find you lose friendships if friends feel they need to “choose sides.” This can be very painful, especially if their choice was unexpected or you felt close to them and miss their presence in your life. 
• You may have had close relationships with your partner’s extended family that are now strained or no longer possible. 
• It can be complicated if your partner had children from another relationship with whom you have now developed a relationship. It is critical to put the child first as you sort out whether or not they will continue to be part of your life.

Loss of beliefs or changed values

Before the end of your relationship, you may have believed in the permanence of love and romantic or intimate partnerships, and you may have believed you could make a relationship work if you tried hard enough. Learning that this is not always possible, or not within your control, can leave you feeling disoriented and questioning beliefs that were previously foundational to your identity.

Loss of a routine     

• Especially if you lived together (and even if you didn’t), your day-to-day life and routines may be completely changed. You may have had to move to a new place, or your home may look very different if they took furniture and other belongings with them.
• You might feel lost or disoriented without the usual patterns of your life together.

Loss of security

• Your relationship with your partner or spouse may have made the world feel safer and your future more certain.
• You may be experiencing financial loss and a significant change in lifestyle. 
• You might have relied on them for certain tasks.
• You may have felt more self-confident and more capable when you were in the relationship.
• You may feel uncertain and overwhelmed about the future without them.

Sense of failure or remorse

For some, the end of any intimate relationship (marriage or long-term relationship) can result in remorse, a sense of failure, guilt, and sometimes even shame. It is natural to question whether you “tried hard enough” or to feel remorse for things you may have said or done in anger as the relationship deteriorated.  You may experience shame if your behaviour fell short of your own values, or your former partner or others in your life may contribute to feelings of shame. Shame is not helpful. Treat yourself with compassion and remember that it is natural to struggle during the breakdown of an intimate relationship. If you feel remorse, you might consider expressing this to your former partner or talking about it with a trusted friend if you think it would be helpful.

Sense of relief

Grief often involves emotions that may feel contradictory. You might be feeling sorrow and relief or anger and gratitude at the same time. You may have known for some time that this relationship was not working, and you may feel a sense of relief that it has ended. You may recognize in hindsight the unhealthy aspects of the relationship. You may also be aware of what you have learned that you can take forward into other relationships when you are ready. 

If children are involved

If you have children together, you will likely need to be in regular contact with this person. Putting the focus on the children’s best interests is critical. If there is conflict, consider seek the guidance of a family therapist.

Here are some guidelines and suggestions:

• Reassure the children that you both still love them and that your decision about the relationship is not their fault. 
• Acknowledge what is going on and spend time asking what they are thinking and feeling and listening carefully.  
• Be open and honest.
• Try to argue as little as possible with the other parent, and communicate respectfully especially within earshot of the children. 
• Refrain from speaking critically or unkindly about the other parent. 
• If your former partner had children in their life before you got together, it can be even more complicated to sort out what your future relationship with them will be, if any. 

Considering new relationships 

 In time, you may find yourself wanting companionship and/or intimacy, and you may start thinking about exploring new relationships. This may be a welcome or an uncomfortable shift for you (or both).

• Exploring new connections  doesn’t mean your grief is “over.” It’s okay to explore new possibilities even as you grieve your previous relationship.

• A new connection or relationship can bring great joy, but it is not likely to take away all the feelings you have about your previous relationship, and it will not make you “forget” the other person.
• Your children, other family members, or friends may have difficulty accepting your new relationship. Remember that you know best what the reality of your previous relationship was, and you know best how to move forward.

When others are not helpful

You may find yourself well supported by friends and family. You might also have people in your life who say or do things that feel hurtful to you. You might approach this by spending less time with them or, if you feel safe to do so, by communicating to them that what they are doing or saying is not helpful. Though you cannot control others’ words and actions, setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself can be healthy and empowering. 

When the person is or was harmful or abusive to you

Your grieving process may also come with the need to find safety. Create a safety plan if needed. Prioritize being in places that are safe and around people who can help. Reach out for professional or organizational support. It will likely take time to heal from any abuses you experienced. Recognize the ways you survived and resisted abuse. 

If you have caused harm or were abusive to someone

If you caused harm or abused someone, it will be important to acknowledge to yourself the ways you did this. Reach out for professional support to understand why you harmed someone and how to change. Work hard at stopping the behaviours that hurt the other person. With professional support, be accountable for your part in these harmful actions.

When your grief is not recognized by others

Your grief may not be acknowledged by the people in your life or by society at large. This can cause you to believe that your grief is not significant or valid. You may experience stigma or judgement from others, or even from yourself, leading to feelings of shame or lack of self-worth. The nature of the situation may have led you to be private or secretive. Your grief may feel heavier and more confusing if you do not feel it is recognized and acknowledged by others. People in your life may not understand the impacts this loss is having on your life. This is sometimes called disenfranchised or unrecognized grief.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 27 - Unrecognized grief
• What grief looks and feels like

• Try to remember that the end of a relationship says nothing about your value as a person. It is most often about a lack of continued compatibility.
• It can be helpful to build and nurture closeness and connection with others in your life. Explore whether some of the needs that you previously relied on your partner to meet  can be met in a different way through connection with friends. (For example, if your partner always looked after home repairs, perhaps a friend can mentor you in these tasks.) If your partner was the main person you confided in, is there someone else that you can trust to confide in?
• Acknowledge that you are grieving and that this is a major event in your life. Practice self-compassion. Be kind and patient with yourself. Recognize that it is natural and valid to grieve this loss and all the other losses associated with it.
• Do things that bring you comfort and peace such as getting comfy with a book, snuggling a pet, taking a walk in nature, going to the gym, or journaling. It helps to treat yourself with love and kindness.
• If it feels right for you, talk about the things that weigh on your mind about the end of your relationship with friends who will listen, empathize, and validate rather than trying to fix. 
• Remind yourself that grief has no timeline. It changes over time, and life grows and moves on around it. 
• When you are ready to socialize, let your friends know what kind of activities you’d be interested in. 
• Consider building some structure into your life. It can be helpful to make a flexible plan that can change depending on how you are feeling.
• Sometimes the end of a relationship can feel like a death, even though the person is still alive. 

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 10 - When your husband, wife, or partner has died

• Understand that you can’t change this situation, but you can be a caring presence and an active listener.  
• Validate the significance of the loss. Resist the urge to fix, give advice, or encourage them to find a silver lining (for example, by saying things like “it will get better” or “you will find someone else”). This often feels like you are minimizing their experience.
• Understand that even if they initiated the end of the relationship, they may still be experiencing significant grief. Suggesting they shouldn’t feel grief because “this is what they wanted” isn’t helpful.
• Ask if you can schedule a regular time to connect, but try not to be hurt if they don’t want to. 
• Ask whether they would like to talk about their experience and grief or whether they would like a distraction from it, like watching a movie together or playing a game. 
• Check in with them regularly. 
• Recognize that grief has no timeline, and everyone grieves in their own way.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

When your primary relationship ends, you experience a major shift from being part of a couple to being on your own. This big change affects your identity, roles, and relationships. Recognizing and addressing these changes is an important step as you carry on with life. You may find it helpful to access counselling, whether you or the other person decided to end the relationship. When children are involved, it can be even more complicated and seeking professional help may be even more important.