Grieving a family or friend relationship

Your grief will depend on what the relationship was like, your support system, what else might be going on in your life, and how you adjust or adapt to life without this person. Grief can be intense and enduring, but it may also change in frequency and intensity over time. Even though the person may no longer physically be in your life, you may find yourself thinking about them a lot. 

Common feelings

You may experience a wide variety of emotions and thoughts, as well as cognitive and physical changes as you grieve this relationship. Some common feelings include the following:

• Sadness 
• Anger
• Loneliness
• Guilt
• Confusion
• Regret
• Uncertainty
• Fear
• Heartbreak 
• Relief
• Being in a “fog” 
• Hope
• Anxiety
• Depression

Mixed feelings

When a relationship ends with a family member or members, or with a close friend, you may experience mixed feelings that may even seem contradictory, like sadness, anger, resentment, or even relief, freedom, and peace. You may be distracted by thoughts of the person (or people), and sometimes the loss can feel like a death, even if they are still alive. You may yearn for how things used to be or for how you imagined they would be. Other people in your life may express strong feelings to you about your choices or what has happened. 

When you are the one who ended it

Despite knowing something was no longer working for you, you will likely still grieve this loss. It can be hard to know you still care about someone while at the same time knowing you can no longer have them in your life. You may be able to tell the person why you have chosen to end your relationship with them, or you may not because of what has gone on in the relationship. Ultimately you are choosing to stop having contact with them for your own well-being. 

When it was a mutual decision

Even if you both know that this is the right decision for each of you, you will likely experience loss and grief. You may have many of the feelings and experiences described here. 

When it was not your choice

If ending the relationship was not your decision, you may feel deeply rejected or abandoned. You may wonder “what is wrong with me?” This can be hard, and you may find yourself wondering “why?” over and over. You may already know why, or you may get an explanation, but sometimes you do not. This is often a reflection of something going on for the other person, or you may have had long-standing issues. You may find it hard to accept and understand why the person made their decision. You may never know why, and this can be hard to live with. 

When it’s hard to adjust to this loss

People respond to the loss of a friend or estrangement from one or more family members in many different ways. Here are some things you may experience:

• Wanting to isolate and be alone 
• Needing time off or missing work, school, or other activities
• Feeling effects on your mental health: depression, anxiety
• Feeling very angry and taking it out on others
• Turning to distractions 
• Struggling with substance use or addictions
• Having difficulty in acknowledging the loss and therefore not grieving it 
• Trying to repair the relationship (but they don’t want to )

When you live with the underlying hope things might change again

When you are grieving the end or a change in a relationship with a family member or friend, you or they may live with a sense of combined grief and hope. Whether you or they ended it, or if you are a family member or friend connected to the situation, you may carry an underlying hope, wondering if one day the relationship will be repaired. 

When you might be able to mend a broken relationship

Depending on the relationship and how it ended, you may consider whether reconciliation or healing can happen with the other person. In some situations, it may be very clear the relationship has ended. In others, like with a hurtful argument that has led to estrangement, the possibility of forgiveness and reconnection may eventually be a possibility worth exploring. It can be very helpful to seek family counselling.

When the person is or was harmful or abusive to you

Your grieving process may also come with the need to find safety. This can be true with a close friend or a family member. Create a safety plan if needed. Prioritize being in places that are safe and around people who can help. Reach out for professional or organizational support. It will likely take time to heal from any abuses you experienced. Recognize the ways you survived and resisted abuse. 

If you have caused harm or were abusive to someone

If you caused harm or abused someone, it will be important to acknowledge to yourself the ways you did this. Reach out for professional support to understand why you harmed someone and how to change. Work hard at stopping the behaviours that hurt the other person. With professional support, be accountable for your part in these harmful actions.

When your grief is not recognized by others

Your grief may not be acknowledged by the people in your life or by society at large. This can cause you to believe that your grief is not significant or valid. You may experience stigma or judgement from others, or even from yourself, leading to feelings of shame or lack of self-worth. The nature of the situation may have led you to be private and perhaps secretive about it. Your grief may feel heavier and more confusing if you do not feel it is recognized and acknowledged by others. People in your life may not understand the impacts this loss is having on your life. This is sometimes called disenfranchised or unrecognized grief.

See also:  

• MyGrief.ca Module 27 - Unrecognized Grief

• Although it may be hard, practice acknowledging the loss so that you can find clarity in your grief.
• Talk things out with someone (for example, a friend, counsellor, family member, or other trusted person).
• Consider your part in the end of the relationship. What can you be accountable for in how the relationship ruptured or ended?
• Consider what you would be open to hearing from the other person about their experience of the relationship ending.
• You may find it helpful to process your grief through writing, other creative activities, or movement. 
• Distractions may be helpful when you need to stop thinking about it for a while (for example, watching TV and movies, reading a book, shopping, social media).
• Consider a ritual or ceremony to mark the end of your relationship with your family member or close friend
• You may need to lean on or nurture other or new relationships.
• Think about how you want to remember the person. It’s okay to cherish favourite memories if this feels right for you.
• This can be a time for self-discovery; you might try new interests and activities.
• Sometimes the end of a relationship can feel like a death, even though the person is still alive. You may or may not find it helpful to look at resources about grief when someone has died.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca

Honour their decisions and choices and meet them where they are in their emotional process. Validate what they feel. 

Listen to them talk about what they have been through. Be patient and compassionate. Check in to see if they need to vent, share their feelings, or find a distraction. Follow their lead.

If they are open to it, invite them to social events or other activities. They may be lonely. Help them make a plan if they want to leave early. Be mindful of how you talk about the person they are no longer in contact with. They may return to the relationship, or they may feel protective of the person. 

If you are also a family member or a mutual friend, be clear on your own boundaries and roles. Be sensitive to the loss they are experiencing.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

A family or friend relationship that was important to you has ended, and as a result you will be grieving. Everyone grieves differently, and you may feel many different, sometimes confusing emotions. 

It is important to acknowledge the loss in order to grieve. Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself space and time to adjust to life without your family member or friend. Recognize that your needs may change over time. Try to be open to new connections. In some cases, consider whether reconciliation is possible.