Grieving a pet

“She just didn’t understand what Tiko meant to me – how integral she was to my life and how I longed for her not to be gone. That made me feel very alone with my grief until I was able to talk with others who had also lost pets.”

The experience of grief when a pet dies is often painful and sometimes isolating. You may be surprised by the intensity of your grief and feel that those around you don't appreciate the significance of your loss. They may imply your grief should not be this “hard” or last this “long.” The reality for many people is that their pet is the most consistent day-to-day loving presence in their life. It is natural that the death of a pet will be felt deeply. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the death of a pet, and the experience will be different for everyone. You may find yourself experiencing some or all of the following: 

• You may find day-to-day activities difficult because they remind you of your pet’s absence, for example, arriving home and missing their enthusiastic greeting, cooking a meal without them hoping for a treat, or going to bed alone. 
• You may feel like you no longer have a purpose – that you no longer have another living being to look after and care for.
• You may miss their consistent, supportive, or loving presence and companionship. 
• You may miss their physical closeness, and being able to touch or pet them.
• You may feel surprised by the depth of your grief.
• You may feel angry or frustrated that others do not understand, or that they expect you to “move on” quickly.
• You may feel distressed remembering their death, illness, or suffering.
• You may question whether you did everything you could, or whether you let them go too early or too late.
• You might feel relieved that they are no longer suffering. Feelings of relief can live alongside sadness, sorrow, and longing.
• You may feel guilty, particularly if you weren’t able to be present when they died, or if you had to make a decision to end their suffering by euthanizing them.

All of these responses are natural and common after the death of a pet.

It can be helpful to remember that relationships with our pets do not have to end when they die. They can continue in different ways. You may find the following ideas helpful:

•  Acknowledge and express your feelings.
• Talk to friends and family who understand.
• Identify ways to honour your pet’s life. For example, create a memorial ornament, display photos, journal, go to their favourite place to sprinkle some of their ashes or think about them, or write a thank you card to the vet or anyone else who was important in your pet’s life.
• Some people find it comforting to continue to talking to their pet even when they are no longer physically there.
• Take care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising.
• Choose where to keep your pet’s remains – if your pet has been cremated, consider where you would like to keep the ashes.

With an increasing awareness of the impact of grief associated with pet loss, a number of support resources are now available in Canada. You might speak to your vet to find support in your area. Visit this link to find support groups and counsellors in Canada who specialize in this type of loss.

See also:

• What grief looks and feels like

• One of the most important things you can do is to acknowledge the loss and their grief. Those grieving the loss of a pet often feel they shouldn’t be grieving so much and that others don’t understand how much the loss has impacted them.
• Try to be a compassionate listener. Don’t assume that you know how they are feeling. Be open and curious, and let them know you are there for them.
• Offer to spend time together. Ask if they would like to talk about it or would like your company. Let them know they don’t have to talk. You can just be together. 
• Ask them about their pet, favourite memories, or to see photos if they would like to share.
• Remember that grief doesn’t go away. Check in during times when the pet may be especially missed.. 

See also:

• Supporting someone who is grieving

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

Your pet was an important part of your life, and their death will be impactful. Grief after pet loss is hard, partly because others may not acknowledge the impact their death has had on you. It’s important to pay attention to your grief and find support through family, friends, a pet loss counsellor, or a support group. Your thoughts and feelings of grief will change over time, but the memories and relationship you had with your pet will always be with you.