Grieving a spouse or partner

“I feel like I’m missing part of myself. She was my other half and my better half – in so many ways.”

Loss of identity

When your life is closely connected to another person, you often form a second or new identity as part of a couple. When your life partner dies, the shift from “we” to “I” can be confusing and difficult. It may help to remember that:

• Just as it took time for you to form or deepen the connection you had with your spouse, it will take time to adjust to life without them.  
• Although your partner is gone from the physical/outside world, they can continue to be part of your inner life. 
• Although they will no longer speak to you, you may sense them giving you advice or encouragement, and for a moment have that familiar “we” feeling.

Loss of a routine

• You might feel lost and disoriented without the normal patterns you could once count on.    

Loss of intimacy

• Intimacy within couples may be expressed physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
• It includes sex, but also non-sexual contact like holding hands or cuddling on the couch.
• Intimacy can include heartfelt conversations, feeling seen or accepted, and shared references and responses to things.
• It can also be the feeling of really knowing someone and feeling known by them.    

Loss of security

• Your connection with your spouse may have made the world feel safer and your future more certain.
• You may have felt comforted to live with someone who worried and cared about you.
• You might have relied on them for certain tasks.
• You may have felt more confident and capable with their love and support.
• The future might feel overwhelming without the stability and support of your partner.

Considering new relationships 

 In time, you may find yourself wanting companionship or intimacy,  and thinking about dating. This may be a welcome or an uncomfortable shift (or both) for you and others close to you. It may help to remember that:

• This doesn’t mean you are trying to forget your partner or that your grief is “over”.
• You can enjoy a new relationship and continue to love your partner who died.
• You can hold contradictory feelings, such as sorrow and joy, or love and grief.
•  While a new relationship can bring you great joy, it is not likely to stop your grief. 
• Your children, other family members, or friends may have difficulty accepting your new relationship.

• It can be helpful now to build and nurture closeness with others.
• When you are ready to socialize, you might want to let your friends know what kind of activities you’d be interested in. For example if dinners feel too intimate, you might suggest a movie or a walk.
• You might find it helpful to change your environment, for example moving furniture around, changing the bed linens, or eating on a different schedule. Or you may find that keeping a routine and familiarity brings you more comfort. 
• You might think about building some structure into your life. It can be helpful though to make a flexible plan that can change depending on how you are feeling.
• You may find it helpful to plan activities for the times of the day when you most feel the absence of your spouse, for example start your day with a walk in your neighbourhood; have dinner once a week with a neighbour.

• Understand that you can’t change this situation, but you can be a caring presence, and an active listener.  
• Resist the urge to fix, give advice, or encourage them to find a silver lining by saying things like “it will get better” or that they “will find someone else”.
• Ask what you can do specifically – like deliver a meal, help with laundry or yard work, or provide help with pets.  
• Ask if you can make a regular time to connect but try not to be hurt if they don’t take you up on it. 
• Ask about their loss but follow their lead, but  also check in with them regularly. 
• Recognize there are no timelines for grief, and everyone grieves in their own way.

See also:

• Ideas for supporting someone who is grieving

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where do I find it?

When your partner has died, you experience a major shift from being part of a couple to being on your own. This big change affects your identity, roles, and relationships. Recognizing and addressing these changes is an important step as you carry on with life.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 10 - When your husband, wife, or partner has died