Grieving an adult sibling

“I had three siblings. I’m the only one left now. It feels so strange – like such big parts of my life story are just wiped right out.”

Influences on sibling grief

• The nature of their death – was it unexpected or following a long illness?
• Your and their age – are you older or younger adults, teens, or children? 
• You may feel guilty about surviving them or guilty that you weren’t able to prevent their death.
• If your sibling died from an illness, you may fear that it could also affect you. 

Friends and family

• Your grief will exist within the circle of people connected to your sibling, including parents; other relatives; and your sibling’s friends, partner, and children.
• Just as the relationships your sibling had with each person were different, your experiences with grief will be different as well. 
• Going through loss and grief with others can be a source of comfort, stress, or both. 

Changed roles

As everyone adjusts to this loss, family dynamics and roles may shift.

• Your birth order in the family will change – you may now be the eldest, become an “only child,” or no longer be the “middle child” of the family.
• You may need to take more responsibility for aging parents.
• You may need to help raise nephews or nieces.

• Recognizing, naming, and acknowledging the losses that have resulted from your sibling’s death can be helpful as you find ways to live with your grief.
• You might want to explore different ideas and consider what “support” means to you.
• You may want time alone as well as time with others. 
• Let people you feel comfortable with know what you do and don’t need, and tell them if those needs change. 
• Some of the time, you may need someone to listen to your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and at other times, you may need them to be comfortable with silence or distract you from your grief for a while.
• You might want to engage family and friends in creating ways to remember and honour your sibling at special holidays and life events.
• Allow yourself to set limits and boundaries around how much new responsibility you take on.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

The death of a brother or sister is often not recognized as significant. Your own experience will depend on your relationship with your sibling, the roles you had in each other’s lives, the way they died, their age and your age at the time of death, and whether you were present at the death. Because of the unique relationships that each person had with your sibling, you will express grief in different ways. It may help to let others you trust know how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. You may want to talk with your family physician or an experienced grief counsellor to access more support.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 13 - When your sibling has died