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Understanding Grief ›
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Understanding grief ›
- Truths about grief
- What grief looks and feels like
- Common challenges with grief
- Grieving before the loss
- Ideas for living with loss
- Grief triggers
- How long grief lasts
- How the loss affects families and others
- When life starts to get better
- Special dates
- Rituals, funerals, and memorials
- Do I need more help?
- Prolonged grief
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Grief, roles, and identity ›
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Grieving a Death ›
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Your relationship ›
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The situation ›
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Non-death Loss ›
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Supporting Someone ›
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Professionals & Volunteers ›
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Resources & More ›
Grieving before the loss
Sometimes your grief may start before a person dies. This is called “anticipatory grief”, and it might occur in situations such as when someone you care about is diagnosed with a serious illness, is frail, or is elderly and declining. Many things affect the way you experience this kind of grief, especially your relationship with the person and the nature of the illness.
What you might be experiencing
People process and express anticipatory grief in many different ways. The grief that you experience may have many layers, and it may change as the person’s condition changes, and when death becomes imminent.
You might notice some of the following things:
- Waves of sadness
- Numbness or dissociation
- Shock or disbelief
- Guilt or shame
- Denial or protest
- Anger and rage
- Confusion and disorientation
- Helplessness
- Loss of faith
- Sleeplessness
- Disorientation
Your thoughts and feelings may surprise you. Family members and friends may respond differently than you, and this can feel isolating. It may be especially hard to accept the reality that the person is dying, especially if they are not showing symptoms or they feel generally well.
Approaching the loss
You cannot fully prepare yourself for the death of someone you care about, but you can make the most of the time you have left with the person. Talk with them about how they might like to spend time together, for example:
- Sharing special memories and remembering
- Planning a special event or visiting a place that has meaning
- Creating and recording their life story
- Another legacy project
At the end of life
It’s not easy to talk with the person who is dying and your family about the end of life. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and others. You likely won’t be able to achieve all you wish to say and do, but trust that what matters most may be felt and understood, even if it isn’t spoken out loud.
Although people often want to be present at the time of death, this may or may not be possible. It may be helpful to remember that the importance of your relationship and the strength of your bond is so much more than the moment of their death.
- Make the most of your time left with the person who is dying. Take the opportunity to share memories together, and think about ways you can honor their life.
- Try to find optimal moments to connect and say what matters most. Ask for help from healthcare professionals if you do not know when is the best time or how to start the conversation.
- If there are religious and/or cultural traditions that are important at the moment of death or immediately after, let the healthcare team know about these ahead of time.
Although it may be challenging to make yourself a priority during this time, it is important that you maintain your emotional and physical health. If you are a caregiver, you may find it helpful to look at this resource: CaregiversCAN.
If you feel overwhelmed, ask for help from family, friends, or reach out to a counsellor who has experience with anticipatory grief.
If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.
See also:
- Do I need more help?
- MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it
When someone has a serious illness, or is frail or elderly, grieving may start long before death.
Grief is often not lessened by knowing how old the person is, how long they have been ill, or that their death is expected.
See also:
- MyGrief.ca Module 1 - Grieving before the loss
Video Gallery
Resources
An activity book for children to help them think about how someone else's illness affects their life.
An activity book for children to help them think about their illness and how it affects their life.
Offers a way for families and loved ones to discuss end of life. Provides a way to do a test dinner before committing to an actual dinner.
Interviews Kelly Terranova on her experience with anticipatory grief and experiencing a loved ones declining health.
Nina Riggs discusses her terminal breast cancer diagnosis and explores the topics of motherhood, marriage, friendship, memory, and living a meaningful life.
Dr. Kathryn Mannix, as a palliative care professional, talks about experiences with caregivers, patients, families and the process of dying.
Dr. Ira Byrock talks about families he has worked with and reconciliation between patients and families and making the end-of-life for these patients meaningful.
Two hospice nurses share their experiences with end-of-life patients and terminal illnesses.
The story of the end-of-life experience of a palliative care physician and showing that a "good death" is not a myth.
Dr. Angelo Volandes tells the stories of seven different patients with different end-of-life experiences and how they approached the end of their lives and how to talk about these difficult issues wit ... Read more
Looks at the influence of modern medicine on dying and how the concern is no longer about tending to death.
Mitch Albon discusses the time he spent with old college professor Morrie Schwartz as Morrie taught him about living and how to live.
Palliative care physician Dr. David Kuhl gives guidance on living with a terminal illness based on research and interviews.
Lists ways that you can still interact with ill family members even when you cannot visit them.
This inspiring, exquisitely observed memoir finds hope and beauty in the face of insurmountable odds as an idealistic young neurosurgeon attempts to answer the question What makes a life worth living?
In Journey’s End, a wide range of topics related to end-of-life issues are addressed. Insightful information, personal stories and various perspectives related to loss and grief are shared, along with ... Read more
BC Cancer helps those living with or affected by cancer to cope with the physical, practical, emotional and psychological aspects of their care.
Lists ways that you can still interact with ill family members even when you cannot visit them.
Nina Riggs discusses her terminal breast cancer diagnosis and explores the topics of motherhood, marriage, friendship, memory, and living a meaningful life.
Dr. Kathryn Mannix, as a palliative care professional, talks about experiences with caregivers, patients, families and the process of dying.
Dr. Ira Byrock talks about families he has worked with and reconciliation between patients and families and making the end-of-life for these patients meaningful.
Two hospice nurses share their experiences with end-of-life patients and terminal illnesses.
The story of the end-of-life experience of a palliative care physician and showing that a "good death" is not a myth.
Dr. Angelo Volandes tells the stories of seven different patients with different end-of-life experiences and how they approached the end of their lives and how to talk about these difficult issues wit ... Read more
Looks at the influence of modern medicine on dying and how the concern is no longer about tending to death.
Mitch Albon discusses the time he spent with old college professor Morrie Schwartz as Morrie taught him about living and how to live.
Palliative care physician Dr. David Kuhl gives guidance on living with a terminal illness based on research and interviews.
This inspiring, exquisitely observed memoir finds hope and beauty in the face of insurmountable odds as an idealistic young neurosurgeon attempts to answer the question What makes a life worth living?
In Journey’s End, a wide range of topics related to end-of-life issues are addressed. Insightful information, personal stories and various perspectives related to loss and grief are shared, along with ... Read more
Offers a way for families and loved ones to discuss end of life. Provides a way to do a test dinner before committing to an actual dinner.
BC Cancer helps those living with or affected by cancer to cope with the physical, practical, emotional and psychological aspects of their care.
Interviews Kelly Terranova on her experience with anticipatory grief and experiencing a loved ones declining health.
An activity book for children to help them think about how someone else's illness affects their life.
An activity book for children to help them think about their illness and how it affects their life.
