Grieving loss of faith

It can be helpful to remember that it is normal and natural to grieve the things that have been important to you. Your grief can help you to adjust to the changes from the loss. 

Remember that there are many ways to grieve, and you do not have to follow a timeline. You will have your own collection of feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations as you process grief. Sometimes you may grieve privately, or sometimes with others in your life. Your grief can be impacted by the depth and involvement you have with your faith and religious community, other losses connected to it, the supports you have in your life, your self-esteem, expectations on yourself, the meaning you might make of it, the activities you engage in, your cultural background, and societal expectations.

Layers of loss

Your religious or spiritual grief may include many layers, for example:

• Loss of support and connection from faith community
• Loss of family and friends who do not associate with you after you leave because of personal choices you make, or how you express your identity
• Loss of spiritual practices like singing, prayers, and sermons
• Loss of certainty and familiar belief system 
• Loss of personal relationship with God, deity, or other religious figurehead
• Loss of a life mapped out for you that includes aspects you still desire
• Loss of time and energy to something that now feels negative
• Loss of identity and who you were before

Challenging emotions

You may feel like your religious connection and community defined you. Losing this can come at great cost, and for some it can feel like a death. Sometimes belief systems can put people at odds with one another. Particularly in the earlier parts of your grief, you may feel things, including the following:

• Fear
• Anxiety
• Shame
• Anger
• Betrayal 
• Hopelessness (and hope)
• Sorrow
• Relief
• Release
• Confusion 
• Uncertainty
• Emptiness
• A sense of freedom
• Helplessness
• Desire to self-harm 

Mixed feelings

It is possible your previous faith community or belief system was having a negative impact on you. Your grief process may include feelings like relief, freedom, independence, and improved self-confidence. You may have created distance from people who were harmful or even abusive to you. You may have a new perspective on how you want to understand your own personal spirituality or connections with higher powers. 

It is possible to have many feelings that seem contradictory at the same time. You may feel relief and freedom at the same time you feel sadness. This is natural and not uncommon in grief. 

When your grief is because of the belief system of someone you care about

You might be reading this not because you have lost faith or a religious community, but because someone in your life has views and beliefs that are affecting your relationship with them. For example, you may identify as part of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, and someone in your life is homophobic. Or maybe you have ended a pregnancy and someone in your life is anti-abortion. This lack of understanding and compassion may bring you huge grief and a rupture to your relationship with them. 

If you harmed someone with your belief system

You may realize that you have caused harmed by using your belief system to judge or abuse someone. You may feel ashamed and humiliated by what you have done. It may be very difficult to acknowledge. One of the bravest things a person can do is be accountable for the harms they have caused others. 

Your mental health

Sometimes the line between grief responses and mental health responses are blurred. This faith or spiritual change may be having a significant impact on how you are living your life, who you trust, and what you believe. You might be experiencing anxiety, depression, dissociation, or intense bouts of anger. Your existing mental health challenges may be worse because of your grief. 

If your grief is traumatic

Depending on your personal circumstances, your experience may have been or may feel traumatic. Trauma deeply challenges a person’s sense of safety and can have negative effects on how they view themselves and how they understand the world. It is possible, for example, that you experienced abuse by someone you trusted, who was in a position of spiritual power. You may need to give attention to and get support for very difficult aspects of your previous experience.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 25 - Grief after trauma 

When your grief is not recognized by others

We know we can heal and process grief and trauma better when we feel seen and understood. Some people may not understand the depth of the spiritual grief you feel, and this may complicate how you are grieving. Society may not give helpful messages about your experience. Your grief may feel heavier and more confusing if you do not feel it is recognized and acknowledged by others. People in your life may not understand the impacts your loss is having on your life. This is sometimes called disenfranchised or unrecognized grief.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 27 - Unrecognized grief

• As with all loss, acknowledge your grief. 
• Depending on the experience, you may need to prioritize safety and stability. Go to places and be with people who feel safe. 
• Turn to the people in your life who still support you. Consider new supports that are more aligned with your values. 
• Talk about your grief with people you trust (for example, a counsellor, support group, others who have experienced something similar). 
• Leaving a faith or religious community does not mean you have to leave all of your spiritual beliefs behind. Consider how you want to define your spirituality in ways that make sense to you. Your ideas don’t have to fit into a religion. 
• Be accountable for any impacts your religious or belief systems have had on others. 
• Your previous faith or religion may have led you to think or do things that no longer fit with your value system. If it feels right to you, practice forgiveness of yourself or others.
• Hold onto the aspects of your previous experience that still bring you joy and interest, such as singing, prayers, or reading material.

• Recognize the impact of their religious or spiritual grief, whatever it may be. 
• Offer compassion and understanding. 
• Be an ally if they have experienced judgment, shunning, or disconnection because of how their identity did not fit into a religious belief system or community. 
• Invite them to be a part of other events and communities if that feels right for them and you. 
• Consider whether forgiveness might be part of your support if their (or your) current or previous beliefs have affected your relationship with them.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

Your spiritual or religious grief, or your loss of faith, may be unrecognized, making it more difficult to see how the impact it is having on you. You may be grieving many layers of loss. Your whole world could be different. Take time to recognize the effect this change is having on you and your life. Find people who can support you through this process. Reflect on your values to reassess your spirituality. Reconnect with your spiritual life in ways that make sense to you.