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Understanding Grief ›
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Understanding grief ›
- Truths about grief
- What grief looks and feels like
- Common challenges with grief
- Grieving before the loss
- Ideas for living with loss
- Grief triggers
- How long grief lasts
- How the loss affects families and others
- When life starts to get better
- Special dates
- Rituals, funerals, and memorials
- Do I need more help?
- Prolonged grief
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Grief, roles, and identity ›
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Grieving a Death ›
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Your relationship ›
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The situation ›
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Non-death Loss ›
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Supporting Someone ›
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Professionals & Volunteers ›
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Resources & More ›
Grieving a child
Having a child die, no matter their age, is life changing. If your child was an adult, you may have thought they were now “safe” from a premature death. If your child was younger, it may feel unthinkable that someone could die so soon. You may not know anyone else who has experienced the death of their child, and you might feel very alone in your grief. Some of the grief you feel will be around the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations that you had for your child. As you grieve these losses, you may be dealing with changes to your identity, roles, and relationships.
“My daughter died last year. I miss her on every level and deep into my soul. I carry with me a profound sadness that is there all the time.”
You may be experiencing:
- Profound sadness and deep longing for your child
- Guilt or a sense of powerlessness that you couldn’t prevent your child’s death
- Shock, anger, or despair that they did not get to live longer
- A sense of isolation, especially if you don’t know anyone else who has experienced the death of their child
- Doubt that life could ever be good or feel worthwhile again
- Confusion about your identity as a parent
- Numbness and disbelief; as if this can’t be true
Other family members may have different experiences
- Individual family members may have their own ways of grieving.
- Each person had their own unique relationship with your child.
- You may have a partner/spouse who is expressing their grief differently than you.
- You may have other children who are grieving the death of their sibling (for additional information, see KidsGrief.ca)
- Your own parents may be worried about you and also experiencing their own grief as grandparents.
Ways that your life has changed
The future that you imagined for yourself, your child, and your family may no longer be possible in the same way. You may need to revise your vision for yourself and your family as you find other ways to nurture the bond you share with your child who died.
Although your grief may never completely leave you, just as your connection to your child will not end, it will likely change.
- Friends and family often don’t know what to do to be helpful, so tell them about any practical support you may need if you can (for example, driver, chef, house cleaner, snow shoveller, leaf raker).
- If you can, it may help to be specific about what you need emotionally, for example:
- “I really want to talk about my child today.”
- “I don’t want to talk about them today. Talk to me about something else.”
- “I just need quiet company.”
- You may or may not know what you need, but you may be able to say what is not helpful.
- You may want to find ways to honour and memorialize your child. You may want to include other family members or friends in these rituals or activities, or you may prefer to do them alone.
- You may find it helpful to believe that you will always have a relationship with your child, even though they are no longer physically with you.
- You may want to accept social invitations tentatively and give yourself permission to change your mind or leave early.
- You might find it helpful to explore books and online resources written by and for bereaved parents.
- Connecting with other grieving parents, in person or online, may be helpful.
- You may find it helpful to reach out to your healthcare provider or an experienced grief counsellor.
When someone has experienced the death of their child, it can be hard to know what to say or to do to help. Sometimes worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing prevents someone from showing support in ways that could be helpful or meaningful. Most importantly, be present, and take your lead from the person who is grieving. You cannot take away the pain or “fix” it, but you can help someone who is grieving by extending your emotional support and practical help.
It can also be hard to know how to support siblings and other children who have been impacted by the loss.
Children experience and express grief differently than adults, and their reactions can also be affected by their age and developmental stage. Some ways to support children include the following:
- Being honest
- Reassuring them that their feelings are okay
- Considering their age and personality
- Asking for help from staff at their school, a grief counsellor, or a healthcare provider
- Letting them know that it is okay to have lots of different feelings, and it is also okay not to have them
See also:
If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.
See also:
- Do I need more help?
- MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it
When your child has died, you may experience overwhelming and intense grief. Your grief will be connected to what is lost for both yourself and your child. In time, you may create and find ways to continue making your child an important part of your life. Seek and accept support from family, friends, healthcare providers, support groups, or grief counsellors.
See also:
- MyGrief.ca Module 12 - When your child has died
Video Gallery
Resources
Michael Rosen discusses his sadness, thinking about his son Addie, who died suddenly at 18. Talks about things he does to cope.
From a father's perspective
Have resources on grief experienced by parents, parenting a surviving sibling, continuing bonds, podcasts, and websites.
Lists and describes different methods to help a caregiver or parent heal after their child dies.
Consists of letters that dads wrote about their children who have died, and how they grieved and processed the loss.
When a brain tumour takes the life of Becky Livingston’s twenty-three-year-old daughter Rachel, her life makes an unconventional turn. Rachel, an avid traveler, had one wish: to keep exploring the wor ... Read more
In this video you will meet three parents who have experienced the death of a young child. The parents speak openly about their children and the many grief experiences they have encountered. The video ... Read more
Presenting simple yet highly effective methods for coping and healing, this book provides answers and relief to parents trying to deal with the loss of a child.
This blog, available in both English and French, was developed by a grieving mother after the loss of her child. Some goals of this blog include helping others fell less alone, educating and raising a ... Read more
Lists and describes different methods to help a caregiver or parent heal after their child dies.
Consists of letters that dads wrote about their children who have died, and how they grieved and processed the loss.
Michael Rosen discusses his sadness, thinking about his son Addie, who died suddenly at 18. Talks about things he does to cope.
From a father's perspective
When a brain tumour takes the life of Becky Livingston’s twenty-three-year-old daughter Rachel, her life makes an unconventional turn. Rachel, an avid traveler, had one wish: to keep exploring the wor ... Read more
Presenting simple yet highly effective methods for coping and healing, this book provides answers and relief to parents trying to deal with the loss of a child.
Have resources on grief experienced by parents, parenting a surviving sibling, continuing bonds, podcasts, and websites.
This blog, available in both English and French, was developed by a grieving mother after the loss of her child. Some goals of this blog include helping others fell less alone, educating and raising a ... Read more
In this video you will meet three parents who have experienced the death of a young child. The parents speak openly about their children and the many grief experiences they have encountered. The video ... Read more
