Grieving a pregnancy or infant loss

“The death of our first baby was the most significant loss of our lives. Nothing else has compared to that loss for us.”

You may have thought about being pregnant and having a baby for a long time. Once you became pregnant, you may have started imagining how your life would change. You may have started to form a relationship with your baby, which included your hopes, dreams, and feelings of love and attachment. 

What impacts your grief

• Your unique relationship with your baby
• Your personality
• Your previous or new identity as a parent
• Other deaths or losses, especially pregnancy or infant losses
• Supports that you have
• How well your loss is recognized and understood
• The availability of answers or explanations about what happened
• Your feelings, such as disbelief, anger, guilt, or blame
• Medical termination -for a life-limiting condition or other reasons
• Continuing pregnancy following diagnosis of life-limiting illness
• Twin or multiple losses
• Recurrent pregnancy loss

• You may want to create ways you can remember, honour, and memorialize your baby. Including other family members or friends in these activities may also help them with their grief.
• Other people may be struggling with their own feelings and not know what to say or do to help you. If you can, it may help to be specific about what you need, for example:
• “I really want to talk about my baby today.”
• “I don’t want to talk about them today. Talk to me about something else.”
• Support groups with other people who have had a pregnancy or infant loss can be helpful, as can professional counselling.
• You and others around you may think that a new pregnancy will erase the grief of the lost one, but this is often not the case.

You may be unsure how best to support someone who is grieving a pregnancy or infant loss. It is important to know that you cannot take away their pain or “fix” it, but you can provide emotional support and practical help. Acknowledge the loss and the baby, show interest in legacy items and rituals, support their choices, and be a compassionate listener.

Children experience and express grief differently than adults, and their reactions can also be affected by their age and developmental stage. Some ideas for supporting children include:

• Being honest 
• Reassuring them that their feelings are okay
• Considering their age and personality 
• Asking for help from staff at their school, a grief counsellor, their physician, or another healthcare provider if needed
• Letting them know that it is okay to have lots of different feelings, and it is also okay not to have feelings

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 19 - Supporting the family

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it

Any pregnancy or infant death is a tremendous loss, and you will naturally grieve for your anticipated child and the hopes you had. It is important to give yourself the time and space that you need to grieve. Other people may also be struggling with their own feelings or may not know what to say or do to help you. You may want to consider support groups or professional counselling.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca Module 17 - Understanding your grief
• MyGrief.ca Module 18 - Navigating your grief