Supporting someone who is grieving

When someone we know has experienced a loss or the death of someone important, it can be hard to know exactly what to say or to do. Worrying that we might say or do the wrong thing might cause us to freeze or prevent us from saying or doing anything at all. It’s hard to see someone we care about in distress, and it can be very uncomfortable, especially if we are not used to intense emotions, or if we value being strong or silent with suffering. Fuelled by discomfort, it may be tempting to hurry people along in their grief or take away their pain. While our intentions may be good, this might lead us to say things that are hurtful or that cause the person to feel isolated, misunderstood, and dismissed.

“I didn’t want people to try to brush away the pain, hurry it up, or try to fast forward me into the future. I wanted people to be with what I was feeling…”

If we experience feelings of powerlessness and discomfort, we may be tempted to want to “fix” someone's grief. However, no matter how much we want to make someone feel better, what was lost cannot be recovered, and we cannot take away grief. Even though we can’t change the situation, we can create a welcoming space for people to express grief. Being present, not shying away from grief, is one of the most helpful things we can do to support someone.

It is okay if your own emotions surface when you are supporting someone else. Often, we worry that, if we cry, we will make the person more upset. However, for many grievers, it can be very reassuring and validating to see that someone else is moved by their story or their own loss and grief. If this happens when you are supporting someone, be sure to keep or return the focus to them.

Remember that everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Loss is not usually something that we “get over,” and grief gradually becomes part of our lives and experiences. Some people find it helpful to talk about their feelings and experiences; others find it more helpful to focus on practical things. It is not uncommon for people to move toward the painful thoughts and memories sometimes, and at other times look for distraction from them. Be sure to let the grieving person lead, and know that their needs and ways of grieving may change over time.

Different cultural, religious, community, and family groups may have approaches to grief and loss that are different from what you are used to, and you may find this uncomfortable. 

Supporting someone in grief who has different values and norms from yours requires your willingness not only to learn about but also to honour their beliefs, customs, and values. 

When you are ready to learn about another person’s cultural traditions around mourning and grief, ask them what they want to share, but also let them know that they don’t have to. How much they share is their choice.

“I understand it’s hard to know what to say, but it would have helped to hear:

‘I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and I’m thinking about you.’”

Most importantly, acknowledge the loss, their grief, and its many layers. “I am sorry this happened to you.”

Recognize and validate the emotions they’re experiencing. “Your feelings are valid. I’m here even if you don’t know what you need.”

Meet them in their pain without trying to fix or solve their grief. “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through or how you feel, but I am here for you.”

Provide emotional support by spending time. “Would you like some company? We could go for a walk or watch a movie.”

Listen with compassion, patience, curiosity, humility and nonjudgment. “If you would like to talk, I’m here to listen.” “We don’t have to talk. We can just be together.”

Rather than saying “let me know what I can do,” ask if you can do something specific. “Can I walk your dog? Bring you dinner? Mow your lawn? Get some groceries for you?” People are often overwhelmed with practical support initially, but after a few weeks this can disappear. Be there for the long run and continue to offer help if you can. 

Let them know regularly that you care about them. “Just letting you know I am thinking of you.”

Be there for them now and in the days, months, and years ahead. Reach out. “Please join us for dinner if you’re up for it.”

Avoid giving advice and using phrases beginning with “at least”, “you should” or “you will,” which may be perceived as unwelcome judgments of their feelings and decisions. 

If you have concerns for their physical or emotional well-being, talk to them about your worries and ask if they would consider seeking support from an experienced grief counsellor or their healthcare provider. You might ask if you can help them access these supports.

See also:

• MyGrief.ca

Each person’s grief evolves over time and in its own way. Providing ongoing support can be exhausting and frustrating at times. Be kind to yourself as this journey unfolds, especially if you are also grieving.

Think about what nourishes and replenishes you and take time to do those things. Ensure that you are also looking after your own physical and emotional health. Seek support for yourself from other friends or support systems.

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it