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Understanding Grief ›
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Understanding grief ›
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Supporting someone with an intellectual disability
Just as people with intellectual disabilities experience love and connection, they also experience grief and loss. Therefore, it is essential that they have access to care and support when someone or something important to them is lost.
“The myth that someone with an intellectual disability doesn't experience all shades of loss can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of support.”
Most people with an intellectual disability want their rights, feelings, and dignity to be respected. When they are not given information or included in other ways, they often feel excluded, ignored, hurt, or angry.
Here are some examples of losses that people with intellectual disabilities may grieve:
- Loss of ability or capacity
- Loss of home or having to relocate
- Changes in familiar routine
- Loss of housemates, fellow residents, or caregivers
- The end of important relationships
- Dreams and hopes like marriage, parenthood, education, and employment
- Deaths of parents, siblings, friends, and caregivers
Expressions of Grief
Everyone expresses their grief in their own way, and this is no different for people with intellectual disabilities.
- Some people may take longer than expected to understand that the loss has happened.
- Some people may need to talk about or express their grief over a longer period of time than expected.
- Some people may express their grief in unexpected or unusual ways; the link between these behaviours and grief may not be recognized.
Talking about Death and Dying
Having conversations about loss and grief before a significant loss is important. Encouraging these conversations in an open and natural way creates a foundation of trust to build on when losses occur. Here are some guidelines:
- Give people plenty of time to process information. It may take longer than you anticipate.
- Use teachable moments to start a conversation, for example, if someone on a favourite TV show moves away or when a house pet dies.
- Be curious about the person’s perspective, normalize feelings, and invite questions.
- Get to know the person’s loss history. How do they think about death and grief, and what are their personal and cultural beliefs?
- Expect to repeat and review information several times. It may take more time for them to process it than you expect.
See also:
Grief support requires compassion, patience, and commitment. It must be based on the grieving person’s needs and not your own. You might begin by expressing your condolences and asking how the person is doing.
As You Are Listening
- Let them know that it is okay to cry, to miss the person, and to talk about them as much as needed.
- If you are also grieving, there may be times when it might be helpful to talk about your own experience as a way of modelling.
- Revisit these conversations and check in regularly. Grief does not happen in one moment.
What Can Help
- Effective communication about death, dying, and grief requires a level of comfort with these conversations. If you do not feel comfortable, find someone who is.
- If you’re feeling intensely upset about the death yourself, and you worry that your grief may overwhelm others, it’s important that you find someone else to talk with. The intensity of your grief may be frightening for the other person.
- Avoid using abstract language and terms. Instead, use concrete language.
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Instead of saying: |
Try: |
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Grief experienced by people with intellectual disabilities often goes unrecognized or unacknowledged. Intellectual disability includes a wide range of abilities, and a person’s grief responses will depend on many factors, for example, personality, loss history, relationship with the person who died, and available support. Your patience, respect, and good listening skills are key to providing support.
See also:
- MyGrief.ca Module 21 - Supporting someone with intellectual disabilities
Resources
An infographic providing ideas to help support someone who is grieving.
By offering condolences, or expressions of comfort and support, you reassure those who are grieving that they are not alone. Your words and gestures can help them through the grieving process.
Lists 8 tips for talking to someone who is dying.
Musician Nick Cave talks about grief with Stephen Colbert.
Provides guidance for care workers on fears about death and bereavement, how to talk about an LGBTQ+ person who has died, experiences of bereavement for LGBTQ+ partners, examples of situations which c ... Read more
Sections include what grief can look like, where to start, the importance of showing up, how to check in with someone, what to say, things you can do, and how to care for yourself when supporting some ... Read more
Suggestions include accept and acknowledge all feelings, let the bereaved talk about the death, avoid platitudes, reminders that grief doesn't have a timeline, and what to say to someone who is grievi ... Read more
Suggestions include give your friend permission to grieve, accept the person's feelings, encourage the person to accept help from others, do something for your grieving friend, encourage the grieving ... Read more
Includes suggestions like don't be afraid to mention the decreased, don't ask how are you, offer hope, reach out, help out, assist with meals, listen instead of advising, and avoid judgments.
Talks about the loss of a support system and the grief that accompanies this, includes suggestions for supporting children or adults with developmental disabilities in their grief.
Talks about the social context of bereavement, the experience of bereavement for those with intellectual disabilities, unacknowledged grief, emotional protection, and the loss of a parent.
A booklet for people with disabilities and their support people to help understand the grief process. Sections include what is grief, what is a major loss, cycle of life, why do people die, a funeral, ... Read more
Talks about how death education is often non-existent for those with intellectual disabilities and how this is often shown when someone with an intellectual disability who lives in a dependent relatio ... Read more
Offers alternatives to things that someone may be inclined to say to someone who is grieving. Ex. "You need to be strong" flipped to "You might feel like you need to be strong but you don't need to be ... Read more
Provides advice on how to tell someone with dementia that someone died and how to support them as they grieve.
Discusses losing a family member and how grief can be a topic people like to avoid. Describes ways to support family members as they grieve differently.
Discusses how Tilak Mandadi, a father who had lost his daughter, was supported by his colleagues and company and how other companies can better support grieving employees.
Talks about ways staff may experience grief, and how to support staff as they grieve. Including setting up debriefs.
Offers options for what people can say to someone who is grieving besides "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Lists common things individuals say to someone who is grieving and offers other options for what you can say instead.
Discusses ways to talk to those who are grieving without saying "I know how you feel", as that can feel unhelpful.
Discusses making statements like "you're so strong" with someone who is grieving and how these comments are not always supportive.
Practical information about supporting someone who is grieving.
The viral video on how to help a grieving friend: one complex topic explained in under four adorable minutes.
By offering condolences, or expressions of comfort and support, you reassure those who are grieving that they are not alone. Your words and gestures can help them through the grieving process.
Lists 8 tips for talking to someone who is dying.
Provides guidance for care workers on fears about death and bereavement, how to talk about an LGBTQ+ person who has died, experiences of bereavement for LGBTQ+ partners, examples of situations which c ... Read more
Suggestions include accept and acknowledge all feelings, let the bereaved talk about the death, avoid platitudes, reminders that grief doesn't have a timeline, and what to say to someone who is grievi ... Read more
Suggestions include give your friend permission to grieve, accept the person's feelings, encourage the person to accept help from others, do something for your grieving friend, encourage the grieving ... Read more
Includes suggestions like don't be afraid to mention the decreased, don't ask how are you, offer hope, reach out, help out, assist with meals, listen instead of advising, and avoid judgments.
Talks about the social context of bereavement, the experience of bereavement for those with intellectual disabilities, unacknowledged grief, emotional protection, and the loss of a parent.
Talks about how death education is often non-existent for those with intellectual disabilities and how this is often shown when someone with an intellectual disability who lives in a dependent relatio ... Read more
Offers options for what people can say to someone who is grieving besides "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Lists common things individuals say to someone who is grieving and offers other options for what you can say instead.
Discusses ways to talk to those who are grieving without saying "I know how you feel", as that can feel unhelpful.
Discusses making statements like "you're so strong" with someone who is grieving and how these comments are not always supportive.
Sections include what grief can look like, where to start, the importance of showing up, how to check in with someone, what to say, things you can do, and how to care for yourself when supporting some ... Read more
A booklet for people with disabilities and their support people to help understand the grief process. Sections include what is grief, what is a major loss, cycle of life, why do people die, a funeral, ... Read more
Talks about ways staff may experience grief, and how to support staff as they grieve. Including setting up debriefs.
Practical information about supporting someone who is grieving.
Offers alternatives to things that someone may be inclined to say to someone who is grieving. Ex. "You need to be strong" flipped to "You might feel like you need to be strong but you don't need to be ... Read more
Provides advice on how to tell someone with dementia that someone died and how to support them as they grieve.
Talks about the loss of a support system and the grief that accompanies this, includes suggestions for supporting children or adults with developmental disabilities in their grief.
Musician Nick Cave talks about grief with Stephen Colbert.
Discusses losing a family member and how grief can be a topic people like to avoid. Describes ways to support family members as they grieve differently.
Discusses how Tilak Mandadi, a father who had lost his daughter, was supported by his colleagues and company and how other companies can better support grieving employees.
The viral video on how to help a grieving friend: one complex topic explained in under four adorable minutes.
An infographic providing ideas to help support someone who is grieving.
