Truths about grief

Loss is something everyone experiences. When we are separated from people, places, or things that are important to us, especially when the separation is permanent, we experience loss and grief. Over the course of our lives we will lose community, friends, and family members, to separation, illness, and death; we will also experience changes in our needs, circumstances, and priorities. 

We may lose familiar and special places through life transitions or changes in the environment. As we grow and gain experience, we may also experience losses related to changes in our belief systems, ideals, and traditions. Sometimes losses affect a whole community or population, for example, in a war, genocide, or natural disaster. More often, loss is contained within a smaller group or family. However, experiences of loss, regardless of whether they occur through death, or another significant life event, often elicit grief.

How we experience, understand, and navigate grief is a reflection of who we are. Grief is informed by the following:

• Personality 
• Life (and loss) experience
• Access to support 
• Relationship with who or what was lost
• Mental and physical health
• Religious or spiritual beliefs
• Social context
• Cultural background
• Community and family values, expectations, and norms

Ask yourself: Does the way I am experiencing and expressing grief reflect who I am? 

People supporting someone might ask: Am I having trouble understanding or accepting the way this person is grieving? Does their grief experience and expression reflect who they are and who or what was lost?

Grief is not a problem to solve or something to fix. It is a healthy response to a real or perceived loss of someone or something we value. Even if grief is difficult, painful, or different than we (or our friends or family) expect, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or wasteful or without value. It may be more useful to see grief as an expected, purposeful, and adaptive response. Try to understand that challenging thoughts and feelings in grief can help us to digest and process the loss and its consequences and to adapt to our life going forward. 

Here are some common grief reactions:

• Thinking a lot about the person or thing lost
• Revisiting or imagining the events leading up to and after the loss
• Questioning your beliefs 
• Feeling drawn to, or avoiding, reminders of the loss
• Struggling with intense emotions
• Not feeling anything at all, feeling “numb” or not feeling what you expected
• Wanting to feel better, and feeling bad when you do
• Being ambivalent, fearful, or hopeful about the future (sometimes all at the same time!)

Ask yourself: Is there anything unexpected about my grief that worries me?

People supporting someone might ask: Is there anything unexpected about this person’s grief that concerns me? Can I talk to a grief expert who can help me assess if there is cause for concern?

When we lose something or someone central to our lives, many or all areas of our lives may be affected. Some effects may be temporary, while others are permanent. As you learn to live with grief, it can be difficult to predict how you will feel or act in any given situation, and this can make it hard to navigate your life. Other people may not know how to respond, and they may pull away or be silent. You may not know what to do or how to be with yourself or with others, and they may not know either. 

Here are some things grief may change:

• Relationships and social activities
• Feelings and responses
• Motivation and interests
• Thinking and thought processes
• Beliefs about life
• Body and health
• Routines and habits

Ask yourself: Is the discomfort I feel as part of my grief preventing me from engaging with life?  

People supporting someone might ask: Can I learn to live with discomfort so I can be present and better respond to someone who is grieving?

Often people think about grief as sadness and sorrow, but the truth is that grief can include many surprising and conflicting emotions, like angry, numb, remorse, relief, anxiety, and countless others. When we don’t realize these confusing feelings are natural, we can feel even more distressed.

Loss and grief are also not just about feelings. Grief also impacts our:

•       Thoughts
•       Behaviour
•       Beliefs
•       Relationships
•       Bodies (our physical self)

Ask yourself: How has this loss and my grief impacted me? Do any areas of my life need more care and attention? 

People supporting someone might ask: Do you see any areas of the grieving person’s life where they might be struggling? Can you offer any help in those areas?

See also:

• What grief looks and feels like

Grief can make day to day life especially challenging and we naturally wonder when and if our grief will ever end. As you are learning new ways to navigate life after loss, it may be a relief to know that there is no ‘right’ or universal timeline for grief and that for many people it never completely goes away. Though our grief tends to ease or soften with care and time, there may be times when it is especially painful many months or even years later. Just as you will continue to think and feel about who or what you’ve lost, you will also continue to grieve. These thoughts and feelings are usually less present and disruptive on a daily basis, but we carry them with us, just as we carry who or what we’ve lost.

How you understand and respond to grief is shaped by many important factors including the following: 

• Social circles
• Community(s)
• Culture
• Economic background
• Access to resources
• Workplace
• Religious/spiritual community
• Geography

Depending on your social, cultural, and historical contexts, you may experience different reactions to your loss experiences and the grief that follows, for example:

• Wide recognition (considered valid)
• Open acknowledgement (people ask and talk about it)
• Support (through personal/group ritual and tradition)
• Private expressions (only with closest people or completely alone)
• Discouragement (seen as not helpful/good)
• Minimization (not seen as valid, fitting)
• Stigmatization (sign of weakness)
• Solitary or social recognition (individual or whole family/community)

It is important to note that if you are grieving in a way that doesn’t match with your cultural, community, or family expectations and traditions, you may feel especially alone with your grief. 

Ask yourself: How might my culture and other factors be affecting how I grieve? Can I lean on any  community or cultural supports? 

Grief supporters might ask: How might the person’s cultural and economic background be affecting their grief? Is my own background interfering with my ability to provide safe support?

If you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please talk to a health professional or trusted leader in your community such as a doctor, chaplain, nurse practitioner, social worker or school administrator. These trusted people may be able to connect you with appropriate programs, resources, and other forms of needed support such as grief counselling or medical care. You may be able to access counselling services if you have an Extended Health Plan, or through an employee assistance program. It will be important that they have experience in grief counselling. If you have thoughts of or plans to harm yourself or others, go to your nearest Emergency Department, call your local Crisis Line, or call or text 9-8-8 if you are in Canada. It is essential that you reach out for help.

See also:

• Do I need more help?
• MyGrief.ca Module 8 - Do I need more help and where to find it